be coolinary cookbook club: better late than never

A long time ago, when I first started this blog, I began what I called the Be Coolinary Cookbook Club. I was not only president of this club, but also its only member. As such, it was my goal and duty to mock and ridicule bizarre cookbooks I acquired from the sticky bins of second-hand stores and perhaps even feature a presumably less-than-stellar recipe from said less-than-stellar cookbooks. The first and only appearance of the Be Coolinary Cookbook Club on this blog was when I wrote about the Cop Cookbook back in February of 2011. Since then I have been dutifully collecting laughable and curious cookbooks from the dank depths of the second-hand outlets and I have acquired quite a treasured collection.

But, alas, I am moving, so in hopes of lightening my load, some of these hilarious cookbooks must return from the dollar bins from whence they came. But before I donate them, I wanted to share their spectacular weirdness with you mostly for the sole purpose of making me feel marginally better about buying them in them first place.

Cookbook #1. Where’s Mom Now That I Need Her? by Betty Rae Frandsen, Kathryn J. Frandsen, and Kent P. Frandsen.

Just in time for Mother’s day, a cookbook that really tells Mom how utterly useless you are without her. This cookbook is perfect for all of those Momma’s boys out there that never learned to do anything for themselves and were raised under the assumption that women are supposed to cook everything for them. Thank goodness this piece of literature exists!

In this cookbook not only are there helpful suggestions on how to make a sandwich (because we all know they can be really, really, hard!) :

But also tips and instructions on how to fulfill other common stereotypic female duties like sewing, washing your clothes, and how to treat common maladies (like an owie!). You know, stuff that they only tell Moms how to do. Additionally, now that you don’t have Mom to drive your lazy ass around, there is even a guide on how to maintain a car or bicycle! Cookbook indeed!

Cookbook #2. X-treme Cuisine by Robert Earl.

Do you like rollerblading? How about snowboarding? Can you grind and ollie in the half-pipe? Well then this cookbook is for you! Complete with too many references to bodily functions, getting laid, and Tony Hawk’s recipe for a cheesy egg bagel:

It even has a recipe for dutch babies, you know, “for the morning after” (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).  

And in case you were dubious of his recipe, a man named “Morgasmo” has vouched for its ability to turn a one night stand into a romantic weekend of love. Just the thing you want your 15 year old son to be learning! Thanks Morgasmo!

And on that note, I give you the third cookbook on the list,  Intercourses by Martha Hopkins and Randal Lockridge.

“An aphrodisiac cookbook” complete with recipes for massage oil and super sexy photographs of bodies encrusted-in/bathing-with super sexy foods, like pine nuts for example:

Or, ooooh la la, black beans! 

Or an asparagus hula skirt! SEXY!

And last but not least, my personal favorite, Sweetie Pie by Richard Simmons.

This book may or may not have recipes in it, I really have no idea. If it does, they are clearly meant to be a distraction or decoy from what Simmons is really all about, which, upon a closer examination of the cover photo, is clearly smoking doobies. 

So those are the best of the worst titles that I will be returning to the Goodwill cookbook circle of life. You may be pleased to know that some books from my collection were too good to part with and will be making the move with me, so stay tuned for in depth analyses of those (they will be riveting, I am sure). In the meantime, do yourself a favor and visit the cookbook section of your favorite second-hand store for more cookbooks highlighting egregious gender role stereotypes, foods skateboarders like to cook to get women to sleep with them, sexy nuts and beans to wear, and doobie smoking.